Spring is when life’s alive in everything…
- Christina Rosetti -

The clocks have since been set to an hour ahead, and the porch lamps take their time now, leisurely lighting the evening. The air is growing warmer and chats over fences with neighbors are getting longer; crocuses are popping up in my still-withered garden, the heavy jackets are being discarded to the backs of closets, and open windows welcome the fresh air as it breezes into the house.

The sun is stronger, the days are longer…

But, most importantly: the geese are back.

Which means fluffy, tiny, baby geese.

Which means a permanent smile etched on my face for hours every time I see them waddling about.

Yep. Spring is here, and warmer weather is near.

It’s a time of change, and not just the seasons…I can feel something changing in me just as I can feel the world changing without me.

It’s nothing short of beautiful and thrilling and terrifying all at once.

And I’m ready for it.

So as the season shifts, and as I gear up for a busy few months ahead filled with bridal shower planning (hi Sarah!), trips to NYC (one week, Lyssa and Sam!), Lock Haven, DC, and elsewhere, and projects both work and writing-related, I’m doing a little bit of housekeeping, a little bit of planning, and a whole lot of reflecting…

- Housekeeping -

- If you’re reading this on the site, you’ll notice the installation of the Hello Bar at the top of the page. Because I long to someday participate in full-blown philanthropy and wholeheartedly believe in activism in an effort to create change for a better world, and because, for now, I have only this outlet to serve as my voice in building awareness, each month a different cause will be profiled.

The title of the charity and a quick-link to donation details can be found on the top bar; on the first of each month (beginning April 1) a detailed summary of the chosen charity will be posted here and categorized under “Charity Spotlight.” Do you have a non-profit organization or charity I should be aware of? Let me know your favorites and they might be featured here!

- Over the past few weeks, I’ve been making minor tweaks to the site (with some teeny-tiny mistake-fixes, thanks to the brilliant patience of Andrew Norcross!). Feel free to take a look around at the updated and restructured Archives, the newest Picture Book, and brand-new Reader Wisdom — featuring your comments and some of the most beautiful and thoughtful insights received on this blog. I’ve always maintained that this community is  made up of some of the smartest and most genuine people I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting, and your words are a testament to that. Thank you.

- In The Works -

- I’m currently in the middle of phasing out my creative writing site, Typescript. While I enjoyed the run it had, the passion and patience it takes to maintain two blogs just wasn’t enough. But my love of writing hasn’t waned; instead, it has only grown and transformed. Now, you can find select fiction under the cleverly-titled Fiction section, and I’ll occasionally be re-publishing relevant posts from Typescript here to twenty(or)something under the category “Writerly.”

- Call for writers! twenty(or)something is still open to guest posts! Thanks to Andi, Dani, Grace, and Anna for sharing a piece of themselves and their writing this past month! Guest posts will be open until the end of April – mid-May as I attempt to go on hiatus (which is proving much more difficult than it seemed) to work on other creative projects, which I’m extremely excited for and hope to talk about/debut in the near future.

If you’re interested in guest posting, feel free to contact me at twentyorsomething [at] gmail.com or say hello on Twitter!

- Reflection -

Last week, I received an Advanced Reader Copy of fellow blogger Jenny Blake’s new book, “Life After College: The Complete Guide To Getting What You Want.” The book truly couldn’t have come at a more poignant time, as the past few weeks have been a bit emotionally difficult — as my self-esteem took a hit, as personal situations became more prevalent. So this is what growing up means, I’ve thought.

And I’ve realized it doesn’t get any easier whether you’re twenty-something, or forty-something, or eighty-something.

Life happens. And you happen with it.

These are the topics that have always been at the forefront of my mind, the subject matter of this very blog, though never more profoundly than now. The afternoon that I found the book waiting for me on my porch steps, I tore open the package and skimmed past the sections of Work and Money and Organization — those I would read later, but these I needed most, right now, in these moments.

Jenny’s inspiration pours from the pages much as it does on her blog. Holding the book that is pure evidence of all her work inspires you to follow your own dreams to fruition, yet inside its pages holds a key to understanding the whirlwind of emotions I found myself in on that day. Pencil in hand, I tried to figure out what I was feeling.

And then…

I realized for myself what I’ve always known to be true — when you strip away the uncertainty, when you get rid of the chaos and competition, when you take a closer look at your life and what matters, you’ll find there’s only love.

Love for others.

Love for family, love for friends.

Love for yourself.

Love for life.

And maybe love for fluffy baby geese.

(Buy the book!)

* * * * *

That’s it for now! Happy Friday, happy spring…

Happy everything.

It seems like such a long time ago when I wrote how stagnant everything seemed, when in fact it’s only been a few years. But I’ve seen how much can change in as little as six months, nevermind years, so I wonder how it’s possible that I’m so surprised that everything can be different with just a little bit of passing time…

Things have changed for me and yet, I have a feeling that things are going to keep changing, still. It’s the way of the world, after all — as much as I try to fight it, if there’s anything I’ve learned so far, it’s that change is the only constant.

I think I’m finally ready to embrace that…Little by little, a change at a time, knowing that there’s always something else and that life keeps going.

There’s so much that’s been going on that I want to write about, that I’m desperately longing to share with everyone. And yet the words won’t come — not as they’re meant to, not as I want them to. Clearly, not as eloquently as I could have hoped. My mind won’t settle — a flurry of projects and plans and questions and wondering what’s next, and what about now?

It’s exciting. It’s terrifying. And, to be honest, a lot of it may seem perfectly mundane.

And yet…

It’s life.

All of it…

Every sunlit morning when I wake up and try, try again; every thought, daydream, and silent, secret wish; every word, written and spoken, every smile, every escaped giggle, every intake of breath, every sweaty palm, every “can I do this?” and every answer: “yes you can.”

I have no idea what’s in store for me. I used to think that I had my life all planned out, and yet, nothing at all is how I would have envisioned it — not the job, not the writing, not the traveling, not the house — and certainly none of it in this order.

It’s thrilling. It’s invigorating.

It’s terrifying.

Because if all of this can happen — if all of these wondrous things can occur without even imagining them — then what else can be in store?

I told you my mind was a jumble…

For now, here’s what I’ve been up to and what I’m trying to figure out, with a preview of some upcoming, in-depth posts once everything settles and I get back into the blogging habit. In the meantime, I hope that you’re enjoying the guest posts as much as I am — they’ll be continuing at least through the end of March.

Got to get goin’, goin’ ahead
It will take a long, long time
It has taken such a long time this time
- It Will Take A Long Time -

It’s funny how writers can  pursue their craft, experiment in so many different genres, and yet, when it comes down to it, there will always be one universal theme. I wonder if it’s because, as writers (and particularly fiction writers), we use narrative to understand our world and our place in it. When you strip away the other-worldly characteristics, the science fiction and fantasy, the horror and romance, you’ll always be left with one focus: humanity.

Who are we? What do we long for? What do we fear? What makes us different, what makes us the same?

What makes us human.

It’s been the deeper subject of almost every poem, every short story, and every attempt at a novel since I was a child, scribbling away in a notebook instead of paying attention in class. Which is why, come to think of it, I admittedly suck at my multiplication tables.

For a long time, back in those days when everything seemed at such a standstill, I couldn’t write; I felt lost, thinking that I had lost that part of myself, that passion for writing — no, not just the writing, but that passion for trying to understand the world — that has always been a part of me. A few years ago, I rediscovered that again, writing and posting unpolished stories that came from the heart, stories that, through writing them, let me tell a truth…They let me imagine, dared me to wonder, allowed me to question.

And now…I’m daring to dream again. I’m in the middle of writing something that is completely different than anything I’ve ever written — a piece of dystopian fiction — a genre that has always enthralled me — that is pure crap in its first draft, something I’m not even sure I’m capable of writing — and all the while completely thrilling. I’ve found the joy in writing again — of not having plans, of letting the characters find their way and me, finding my way along with them.

Do I think it will be anything worthwhile, anything earth-shattering? I’d be lying if I could ever think yes. But it’s captured my heart and my imagination and, with it, strangely enough, I think I’ve found the courage to believe again that, someday, I may just dare to see my forever-dream come to fruition.

Write on.

Beautiful things
Are comin’ my way
Beautiful things
I want them to stay
- Beautiful Things -

Sometime in the spring or summer, I have plans to open up an Etsy shop…if only because I’ve been working on some craft-like projects and I figure it wouldn’t hurt to make a little money in the process. I’m not an artist, but I’ve always loved anything aesthetic — whether it be art in a museum, a photograph in a gallery, the architecture of a building, or, preferably, the vibrancy and natural wonder of the outdoors.

Couple that with my love of history, which I’m positive correlates to the fact that my parents are antique dealers and I’ll never forget my mom telling me that history is truly the story of a life — and I’ve found a new creative outlet, one that allows me to visualize and work with my hands, capturing everything I love about a time in which I can’t ever belong, a time I can only read about, only imagine, only believe in.

Cryptic, right? I’m not promising much in the way of ingenuity or even craftiness,  but it’s another outlet for me, another way to, in some strange way, embrace everything I love about life, to capture its beauty.  If anything, it’s something that makes me feel content for now. And I’ll take that any chance I get.

And it all begins where it ends…
- Joyride -

A few weeks ago, I met with my doctor for a prescription renewal of my anti-anxiety and depression medications. We talked about how the seasons were changing and how I’ve truly felt happier and lighter than I’ve felt in a long, long time. She said she could see the change in me, that I looked great, looked healthy, and that I was smiling. It’s funny — sometimes you never know you’re missing a part of yourself until someone points it out to you, makes you see it for yourself…

It seemed that with all of the medical problems going on, I’d forgotten how to smile.

I remember now.

I’ve been remembering for long while now, actually…Only, now, in these past few months, I feel like that smile is reaching my heart.

Which is why I can’t yet figure out if going off my meds, with the doctor’s approval, is a stupid idea or a great one.

Last week, I crashed. Every single insecurity bubbled back up to the surface; dreams became so vivid that, upon waking, it took a few minutes to clear that fog from my mind; over the weekend, when I didn’t have plans, I stumbled back upstairs to bed and slept for hours. And then the cycle of dreams continued.

It reminds me of the fragility of the mind. It reminds me how fragile we all are. It reminds me how close I was to darkness and how perpetual it felt and how I will never let myself get there again — I have a choice now. But sometimes that choice isn’t so easy.

I’m doing better — I talked to my doctor again, talked to my family. I know my body and my mind well enough by now to know when I can feel myself slipping — that I can tell between a weak moment and the impending darkness. And if there’s anything the past two years has taught me is that I can’t ever be ashamed, that I can always ask for help.

There’s so much more I want to say on this subject, so much more that is so important when it comes to mental health. So much more to say that I want to devote another blog post to it. And another and another…Because there’s so much we’re only just beginning to understand.

And while there’s so much that’s left uncertain, so much we really don’t understand, there is one thing of which I have no doubt…When you feel that darkness reaching, you find something worth holding onto.

And you don’t let go.

Yes it’s true, right from the start
I believed in the church of your heart
- Church Of Your Heart -

For the past three weeks — and lasting throughout the spring — I’ve been taking part in a spiritual development course. I don’t know where I stand as far as religion. I grew up Catholic, endured years of CCD class and confirmation, but somewhere along the way, I lost my faith in that God — that religion, I guess you could say — and found my own. This isn’t a course on religion; it’s not even a course on spirituality.

Rather, it’s about learning to understand the self, to listen to and believe in your own intuition. This course has been the most amazing experience in ways that I can’t even begin to verbalize.

And I’m not going to try…

Not yet.

I’ll find the falling star
I’ll fall in love
With the eyes of a dreamer
And a dream worth believing…
- Watercolours in the Rain -

I’m giving online dating a try.

And…We’re going to skip right past this one and leave the topic for another rainy day.

Because that’s how that’s going…

Some days are covered in rain
While other days are made of glory
And you are the summer sun
The only one who knows the story…
- My World, My Love, My Life -

And finally…

I’ve been seriously considering going back to school for psychology or counseling or teaching. Compassion is such a huge, central part of me, and it wasn’t until these past few years that I realized just how strong that was. Coupled with an intense desire to help people — individually, on a personal level — and something just feels right about it.

As a freshman in college, I’d declared teaching as my major, only I got so frustrated with the politics and paperwork that I changed to a straight English writing degree. Psychology has always intrigued me, but it was the emotional aspect of it and not necessarily the science that I wanted to study.

It’s making that connection with someone, sharing a life story, being able to empathize with them, to reach out to them and offer them hope, offer them friendship, offer them meaning, offer them…something. That’s what speaks to my soul.

Only…can I make the change, is it the right fit for me and, the big question, am I willing to incur mountains of debt (ironically, I mistyped that as “doubt”) again and handle working full-time so I can pay my mortgage while I go back to school?

* * * * *

Questions again. Questions and wondering and excitement and nervousness all wrapped into one giant bundle of knowledge that another change, whatever it may be, is imminent.

So much happening, and yet, if there’s one thing that’s for certain…

I’m no longer standing still.

Note: All of the lyrics above are quoted from Roxette’s discography. I think I may be overly-excited from finding out that my favorite band as a kid has a new album out. Rock on.

What’s your purpose? What are you here for?   

To teach? To learn? To give, to heal? To seek, to find?

To serve?

To save?

To live?

There are those certain books that you just know you have to read…Those books that you spot as you’re idly wandering past a bookstore, the ones that you pick up and skim through on a whim. There are those books that you keep returning to time and again, reading the jacket over and again, knowing that, even in the smallest of ways, even for just an hour, a minute, a moment, it will change your life.  Or, at least, make you wonder.

A Dog’s Purpose was waiting there on the library shelf, the face on the front cover begging to be picked up and, as anything pertaining to dogs is certain bait for me, I did. The novel by W. Bruce Cameron is one for humans, it reads on the cover, and indeed those who will find the beauty in this book are those who have known what it means to love a dog…

“What if your dog never dies? What if dogs live multiple lifetimes, and remember all of them?
What if every animal has a purpose, and your pet’s purpose is intimately bound to yours?
A Dog’s Purpose tells the story of a dog who finds himself reincarnated and decides there must be a reason, a purpose he must fulfill, and until he does so, he’ll continue to be reborn.
The story is narrated by Bailey, a wise and funny dog who is very much…a dog.”
- A Dog’s Purpose (.com)

The book is phenomenal — not just for its clever storytelling and unusual narrator, but because it forces the reader to question their own purpose and place in the world (and, perhaps also, to consider just what loving an animal really means and how much it can change you).

I picked up the book on Thursday; I read through it on Friday.

I smiled.

I cried.

Then I raced upstairs to find Riley and squeeze the ever-love out of him as I sobbed rather unattractively into his fur.

I’ve been lucky enough to have loved those animals that have blessed my life. The names of Lea, Lucy, Sampson, Hercules, and Cody — not to mention Riley — are forever etched on my heart. I’m convinced that loving these dogs has shown me how to love — unabashedly, devotedly, wholeheartedly. And being loved by them — these beautiful creatures who show such loyalty, delight, and unquestioning, unwavering adoration — has proven that this kind of pure love can exist in the world.

Maybe it shows that we can be capable of such love as well.

As I reached the end of the book and ran to find Riley, who kindly didn’t have a choice but to let me hold him while I sobbed yet again, I immediately decided that I wanted you to share in the torture pleasure of this book.

So… It’s giveaway time!

G I V E A W A Y

(Y A Y!)

To enter the drawing, leave a comment below with your name and email address between now and Sunday, January 16 (11:59pm EST) telling me about the dogs you’ve loved, what they mean/have meant to you, or what purpose you believe your own life holds.

One reader will be randomly selected to receive a brand-new copy of W.  Bruce Cameron’s A Dog’s Purpose (tissues may or may not be included).

Funny dog stories are also acceptable, smiles welcomed.

Happy Puppy Lovin'!

Disclaimer: I get nothing out of this except the joy of spreading the love around a bit, and I heretofore take no responsibility whatsoever for any tears shed. Unless they’re happy ones.

Two years ago, I doubt I could have imagined what my life would look like now.

Six months ago, I never could have envisioned the happiness that has been filling my soul with every sunrise, every smile.

Life has changed dramatically in just a short amount of time, and as fond of reflection as I am, I am all the more aware of just how much I’ve changed along with it.  During the winter months, I faced some of the darkest, most emotional moments I’d ever experienced. But, upon looking back, I’ve learned that light casts away the dark, good replaces the bad, and life is constantly moving forward (I’m pretty sure this is one of the laws of the Universe, right?).

Once upon a time, I mentioned that I wanted this year to be an awakening for me. I’d spent two years healing from five consecutive, permanent losses, while also coping with a loss of self-worth and questioning my place in the world. It had been an incredible journey — one, I’ve realized, is still only beginning.

A huge personal change is happening in my life right now –  a positive change – and I’ve never felt more excitement or anticipation. One of my many dreams is coming true, step by step, day by day. I’m not quite ready to divulge it to the masses quite yet, as it’s still a bit up in the air, but we’re moving forward, and when the time comes, I promise I will be excited to share it with all of you.

In the meantime, this real-life situation has been occupying my mind and leaving little room for any contemplative writing. Oh, I still have a thousand what ifs racing through there and some more character flaws to dissect and a dozen more questions to ask of the Universe…But for now, just a simple “Thanks, Universe…Looks like all those tootsie rolls are paying off” will have to do.

The blog may have been a bit more silent than usual, but I hope that you’ll hang in there with me. In the meantime, I want to hear from you! Summer plans, life changes, stories about your dog…I want to hear all about the important happenings in your life.

Today, I hope you’ll tell me your story.

Tonight we drink to youth
And holding fast to truth…
Incubus, Love Hurts

This site has come a long way since its inception back in May. It’s changed and I’ve changed, and I’ve never been more grateful for it all…and most certainly for all of you. To those who have stuck by and supported me, read my rantings and ravings (and ramblings), and offered new perspectives, profound insights, and invaluable advice, tonight I drink to you. (Metaphorically, of course, but I promise the meaning is there!)

There’s something to be said for voicing the things you want out loud, writing out your goals, envisioning your dreams…Maybe it’s the whole “thoughts become things” mentality, or maybe it’s simply a useful reminder — a guidepost — for where you want to go, what you want to do, and who you want to be.

Writing has always served as this form of an outlet for me, enabling me to put into words my thoughts and emotions as I attempt to answer those questions. Blogging, it seems, has become a natural extension of that, as I’m able to share a small part of myself and connect with others while I continue to figure it all out. Just where am I going? What is it I really want to be doing?

And then there’s the age-old question of “Who Am I?”

I promise not to go there.

If I can help it.

The fact is, I don’t have all of the answers. But then again, maybe that’s exactly why I have a blog.

I’ve screwed-up, faced rejection, and second-guessed decisions; this blog has taught me to learn from these mistakes, to keep trying, and to not look back in regret. It has allowed me to cement my opinions or change them according to new experiences, perspectives, or reader-insights, as I myself change and grow and learn. It has showcased my strengths and my weaknesses and allowed me to indulge in honest emotion as situations warranted so that I could acknowledge its impact, pick myself up, and move on.

It has reignited a passion and renewed motivation, connected me with an intelligent, warm, and open community, and led to an acceptance of situations, realized dreams, worthwhile adventures, and, most importantly, some difficult lessons learned.

I don’t have all of the answers, and I’m not even close to finding them, but that’s finally okay with me.

Because something else this blog has done is helped me to learn that it’s what you discover about yourself and who you meet along the way that makes this whole journey worthwhile.